


carnation

by taiyakeo



Category: Natsume Yuujinchou | Natsume's Book of Friends
Genre: a beautiful perfect fanfic butterfly, briefly mentioned death, i love touko, it doesn’t go into detail but if that’s something you’re not into please skip, it’s been four days, natsume finally realises touko’s like his mom, or maybe im just forever a moth, so much, the flower is uh, this was for the blooming zine!, very predictably carnation, when will i emerge from the cocoon of “i dont know how to summary”, which is Super Big, you dont even know i just love her so much, you have no clue how long i struggled with writing the summary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-06
Updated: 2019-12-06
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:08:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21687337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taiyakeo/pseuds/taiyakeo
Summary: Natsume has struggled for a long time with his own identity. It’s hard, especially when he doesn’t know who he belongs to—his mother, his father, the different people he’s lived with? Maybe it’s just who he feels comfortable with. Maybe it’s the person who makes him feel welcomed and loved.After witnessing motherly love at its finest, he realises that something in his heart resonates with that, and maybe he’s already home, and maybe he already has somebody just like that.
Comments: 8
Kudos: 52





	carnation

It was seven minutes to six in the morning. Natsume shifted his weight from leg to leg, fingers digging into his bag's straps, eyes staring without seeing into the uncomfortably bright light before him. There was a swelling, suffocating kind of feeling deep in his chest. Perhaps it was hay fever. A body could never be too careful, he thought as he turned away from the flower shop and began to walk towards the pharmacy that sold masks and medication. 

It was, of course, an excuse. He knew better than anybody what this feeling was, and it wasn't hay fever.

It was Mother's Day again. 

He put on the mask and kept walking. 

He only took it off during the last period of school. The feeling hadn't quite gone yet, but he figured if he returned home with the mask on Touko would worry. It was her laundry day, after all, and he couldn't afford to disturb her today of all days. He shoved his hands back into his pockets, not looking up as he walked out of school. He could feel Nyanko-sensei ferreting around in his bag. 

"Do you want manjuu, Nyanko-sensei?" he asked out of the corner of his mouth. 

There was a louder shuffling within the bag and a muffled, very indignant "Do I want manjuu? Hurry up, you fool, of course I do!" 

Natsume shook his head and sped up, spluttering a little as he caught a petal in his mouth. The manjuu shop wasn't so far off, but he'd have to walk through a small patch of forest to get there. Maybe he'd get some for Touko-san and Shigeru-san, to save them the trouble of going there themselves. 

The forest was draped in wreaths of flowers so bright and dense that it was difficult to tell where he was going if he didn't keep his eyes on the dirt path. It was uneven, littered with holes kicked by children trying to sweep the petals aside. There was a relatively large mound of flowers next to the path with a child-shaped hole right in the middle of it that made him huff a laugh under his breath. It was all so pretty in spring. 

As he took a step he flinched, discomfort washing over him as though somebody had dumped a bucket of ice water over his head. He felt eyes on his back. Somewhere, a twig snapped. 

"Nyanko-sensei, do you smell anything?"

"Just the scent of manjuu up ahead. Walk, will you?" 

Natsume nipped at his bottom lip and did not respond, looking over his shoulder. He could've sworn he'd heard a noise behind him, so he took Nyanko-sensei's order to walk faster. He didn't want to die, not today. 

Even after he'd bought the manjuu, Nyanko-sensei ripping one to shreds on his shoulder, he still couldn't shake the uncomfortable feeling. 

"Don't eat it all, leave some for Touko-san and Shigeru-san. And don't touch what you won't eat, you know you're still in cat form and you carry loads of bacteria," Natsume warned, speaking aloud to soothe himself. 

Nyanko-sensei grunted. "Then hurry up, I'll eat it all if you don't get home soon." 

He opened his mouth to reply but felt the words die on his tongue. "Oh--"

There was a violent rustling in the bushes like something was struggling inside it and the rancid scent of iron mixed with dirt was washing over him and then a single hand, fingers splattered with red, was reaching out of the leaves. Natsume startled and stumbled away from it, looking helplessly to Nyanko-sensei. If it grabbed him by the neck… 

"Reiko," a soft voice said. 

"Don't you _dare,_ " Nyanko-sensei mouthed, looking pointedly at the manjuu. 

Natsume stared at the trembling hand. If it was a trap, he could probably die. But then again, Nyanko-sensei was with him, and there wasn't anything stopping him from helping. What if it wasn't a youkai and someone who was genuinely in trouble? 

"I'm not Reiko." He crouched in front of the bush, trying to see in. 

Nyanko-sensei glared at him. _Idiot!_

The hand drooped, then flinched. "But you can see me? Please, Reiko, I--" The voice broke off into a hacking cough. 

Natsume hesitated, heart in his throat. "Would you please sit up or step out of the bush? Maybe you'll see that I'm not Reiko, then." 

His nails dug into his palm as he bit down on his tongue, struggling to keep his expression deadpan as a woman heaved herself out of the bush. Her entire body was streaked in blood, almost as though somebody had poured a bucket of blood onto her legs and she'd tried to scrub it off. Her hair was matted and torn in places. Her eyes shone with an emotion he'd never seen before but somehow something in him resonated with it. 

In her arms was a motionless infant. 

"Please," she said. "Don't joke with me, Reiko. Give me my name back." 

He swallowed, heart pounding although he knew she wasn't a threat. "Alright, then."

He crouched before the bush, fumbling to retrieve the Book of Friends from his bag. He shut his eyes, trying to stop trembling as he brought up her image in his mind--the dark, clumpy hair, the lanky figure, the flecks of blood on her loose-fitting clothes--and clapped his hands together. She breathed out at the same time as him, and as the page in his mouth was emptied of ink his mind filled with memories. 

_The air tasted of rain. There was the fading smell of summer—that aroma that rose from cracked, parched ground after the skies mercifully let loose drop after drop of rain that had by now run deep into the soil. The trees were sated for now, stretching contentedly their roots over and under, elegant loops of tripwire for her to stumble over. In the moist air there came a deep feeling of unease that settled heavily in Fuyumi’s stomach. Discontent, unhappiness, and most of all fear. A cloying terror that smothered her, clogging her lungs like phlegm she could not spit out. Fuyumi's clothes were soaked through, clinging to her body as she shuffled through._

_"Excuse me," she called out to a passing youkai. "Do you have candy?"_

_They continued as though they had not heard._

_She called out again and again, voice minging with her baby's as he wailed for food. She could not remember ever having died, and her days were filled with desperation and fear for her baby's survival._

_"Excuse me," she said as somebody passed._

_"Yes?"_

_The girl turned, and suddenly Fuyumi's body stilled. This was a human. She reeked of people, and yet her eyes were unafraid. Perhaps this was her only hope, she thought dully._

_"Do you have candy?"_

_The girl remained silent and looked down at her baby. "Only if you'll fight me."_

_A fight? In her state? She bit down hard on her tongue and glanced down at her child._

_"Okay."_

_Fuyumi was predictably beaten and her name was taken. The girl tossed some candy lazily at her and walked off. Every day after that Fuyumi would find some candy at the base of her tree, and she was glad for it even if her powers had been sapped. What did she need power for when her baby was full?_

_But then the candy stopped appearing, a few years ago, and she was left to her own devices, rooting through trash cans to find scraps, and only a few months ago she had found herself so without strength that she had barely been able to drag herself to the edge of the forest. She wished the girl would come back and give her back her power. Her baby had not cried, and her fear had grown stronger._

_She lay in the forest, watching the trees turn pink as carnations began to bloom._

_Spring meant new beginnings, she murmured to her son. It would turn out for the better. Maybe somebody would take care of him if she passed on. Maybe if she was gone he could grow up. It didn't matter if she wasn't there if he was okay._

Fuyumi stiffened and pressed her forehead to her baby’s, whispering something. Natsume could see the trees behind her as her image grew fainter and fainter and the smell of pollen grew stronger. 

"Thank you," she whispered as the last of her was swallowed into the air. 

Natsume stared at the empty space. “The… The baby. Isn’t he…” He paused, eyes stinging. “What happened to the baby?”

“He’s gone,” Nyanko-sensei said bluntly, sniffing the air and wrinkling his nose. “She imagined him back into existence. Like a part of her, y’see? He was gone long ago.” 

He frowned. "I want to buy flowers and mark this place.”

"To put them to rest? You humans are terribly sentimental. I can’t understand you.” 

It was getting late, so he ran to the shop, ducking through the petals and the pollen, dodging past people. The assistant looked vaguely surprised as he skidded in, but then again anybody would have been if an out-of-breath child smelling like blood and covered in dirt and leaves had half-tumbled into their shop. 

"Can I get a bouquet of flowers, please? Carnations?" he wheezed. He vaguely remembered seeing some in the memory, so it was only fitting to put them on Fuyumi and the child’s mock grave. The uncomfortable feeling was back, squeezing his lungs so hard he felt light-headed.

He paused, remembering why he'd been here in the morning. He'd been thinking of Touko-san, wondering if he should get her some flowers to thank her for everything. "Actually, could I get two, please?"

The shop assistant tutted gently under his breath, turning round so that his back was facing Natsume. "Alright, give me a moment, please." He walked into the back and returned with two nicely wrapped-up bouquets of red flowers. "Who are they for?"

"My, um…"

Natsume paused. He definitely couldn't say anything about the dead child, and Touko-san… What would he say? _Caretaker? Nice lady who lets me stay in her house and eat her food? Person I freeload off of and constantly cause trouble for?_

"Somebody important to me," he settled on eventually. He smiled unconvincingly. 

The shopkeeper nodded, taking the last of his pocket money as he ran back out. 

When he was back in the forest, Nyanko-sensei led him back to the place where he’d met Fuyumi. Hands shaking, he crouched and set one of the bouquets down on the ground. 

“Goodbye,” he said softly.

He didn’t know why his chest was aching. He’d met so many youkai before. They came and left as they pleased, and he wasn’t sure why Fuyumi had left such a mark on him. Maybe it was pity for the child who had lived such a short life. Maybe it was pity for Fuyumi herself. Maybe it was the thought of mothers— 

He cut himself short there, standing up.

Nyanko-sensei peered over his shoulder. “Ready to go?” 

“Yes,” he lied.

The flowers kept hitting his face. He stood outside Touko-san's house and wondered if he was holding them right, just about to adjust them when he heard Touko-san's voice. 

"Oh, goodness, Natsume! You're home late." 

There was the familiar _fwapfwapfwap_ of the clothing as it rustled in the breeze. She smiled at him from behind the clothesline, waving with hands covered in soapy water. He stuffed the flowers into his bag hurriedly as she walked towards him, hitching her skirt up. 

"You're covered in dirt! And you smell like…" She trailed off as her voice got higher, grabbing him by the shoulders to look him over. 

"I went to the forest. I bought some manjuu for you and Shigeru-san and, well, I kind of… got lost? It was an accident, I promise.” 

She paled and he flinched. 

“I’m sorry. I won’t do it again.”

She simply shook her head, ruffling his hair. “You… Be careful next time, won’t you? Well, it’ll be time for dinner soon, so go in and put your bag down. Ah… I should run a bath for you, you’ll want to get that dirt off.” She raised her hands, slightly frantic.

He nodded and nibbled at his cheek. He reached into his bag, struggling to pull the other bouquet out. His hands were slippery with sweat and he smelled a lot like blood and death, but he had to do this now. 

"Touko-san," he said hesitantly. She looked up from her soapy apron. "This might be a bad time, but I got flowers for you." 

Her eyes widened as she took them from his trembling hands. "Oh, thank you, Natsume! This is a pleasant surprise."

"I wanted to, uh… Thank you for everything." He rubbed the back of his neck. "I mean, I was thinking… You know how you always take care of me? And you even worry for me, even though I always cause trouble for you." 

Touko-san's face took on a scandalised kind of look that made Natsume stumble and pause. Did he say something--

"Natsume," she said very seriously. "You don't cause trouble for me at all. Please don't bring that up again. I'm very happy to take care of you. It's my responsibility."

He thought vaguely of Fuyumi and her dedication to her baby, clinging to him and taking care of him. He remembered the faint envy that he had felt--why couldn't _he_ have anybody like that? 

His eyes pricked as he realised that that person was already right in front of him.


End file.
